I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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