So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
