I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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