I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
