Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
