I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Pooping to opera.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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