Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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