I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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