Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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