im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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