she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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