i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
