why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
