We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
