My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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