The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I think my vagina is haunted
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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