I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
