I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
