mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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