I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
