I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
