We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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