O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize