Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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