if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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