You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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