My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
