I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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