How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
