brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
