If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
