Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
