speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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