He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
