peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
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