I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
