just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
