We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
