When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
