New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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