the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
