At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
