I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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