So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
