Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
dude i'm inner monologue high
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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