if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
