My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
