i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
