my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize