I'm laying in your front yard are you home
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
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