Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Randomize
