two words...techno handjob
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
