I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
