She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
