distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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