What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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