You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
