Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
